So this weekend him and I went out with his ex girlfriend. He said that she wanted to meet me. Here is their background: They dated back when he was 16 to 17 and she was 14 to 15. They broke up in a bad way. She is also the girl he still has "sexy underwear" pics. Gross. So he wanted me to meet her and invited her and her husband to the bar where the underachievers were gonna be playing. We had to pick her up. Now let me tell you how this made me feel. I felt like punching him in the face. I felt like tripping him. It made me so mad. I don't want to meet your exs especially the ones that you fucked. We picked her up and well she has that kind of voice that makes you want to stuff your fingers in your ears. Her behavior is child like, whinny and dramatic. I was on my best behavior for the occassion, didn't want to piss him off. We got to the gig and found the table where all his friends were. She of course sat next to me. Her husband wouldn't be there until later. She kept asking me questions and talking to me but it was useless since I couldn't hear shit over the band except when she was in my ear. She kept playing with my lighter leash and my purse. She was uber nice to me. It was scary. He finally led me out to the dance floor during "faithfully" by journey. That is where he told me that she liked me and approved. What!!???!!! I asked him if that meant a lot to him and his dumb ass replied yes.NOw I went from annoyed to pissed. Why does it matter if she likes me or not? She isn't dating him, I am. Her opinion doesn't have anything to do with how we feel about eachother. I was mad and confused. Why did she have matter? I don't understand him. He hangs on to his exs even though they don't like for him for what he did to them. When he searches for friends on myspace or facebook he looks up his exs. Now that hurts and makes me feel like shit. Yeah I'm friend with a few of my exs but we were friends when we broke up and have been for years. I don't go looking my ex boyfriend or my ex girlfriends. And I certainly don't care what my exs think of my relationships. It is none of their buisness unless I want it to be. He hadn't talked to his ex since they broke up, up until 2 months ago. Now that is almost 10 years between those two points. Why bother trying to rebuild the bridge when you burned it 10 years ago and the road is no longer traveled?
We went out side to see her bike that her husband rode to the bar in the freezing air. She offered me ride and there was no way I was going to let him on the back of that back of that bike even if her husband was there. So I went. I love the air in my face and the freedom of the road so I just concentrated on the feel of the motor between legs. Not on her. Shortly after that we all decided to go to perkins and hang out. Of couse I had no idea that her corner was next to where I sat so I had to sit by her again. We were all talking like we were all good friends making me sick to my stomache and not to mention she even paid for him and I to eat with them. She started talking about why she married her husband and said some thing that I understood all to well. She said that she married him for his flaws. It was his flaws she fell in love with. That is how I felt about him. It was his quirks that make me smile and shake my head. We left and went home. I thought about all that had happened on my way home. Yeah they talked about the past and made me sad but I still loved him at the end of the day. But I am still hurt by his actions.
I went out last night and he was all jealous that some guy ( who was interested in my best friend) was buying her and my drinks. NOw hear this.... He was at work while I went out. I stay in a house all day and never hang out with anybody. He told me that he doesn't like my best friend or that fact that I'm going out but he will allow it. What the fuck is that suppossed to mean??????? I am my own woman and he can't tell me who I can hang out with. Nor can he tell me what to do. He isn't my father, he is my partner and that is how he should treat me. His jealousy is flatttering but it is excesive to the point of insanity for him. I did nothing but talk about him all night. He called me more times last night than he does on a normal night and talked to me longer than he normaly does. Then he fucked up my night. He texted me an attitude. We started arguing about me not having a job. Why would he pick a fight with me via text message? And on a night I was out trying to have a little fun? I will admit that I haven't been doing all I can. I should be trying way harder to get a job. I have jsut been so depressed about everything going on in my life. I am trying to get my shit straight not only in my life but also in my head. He keeps talking about how this is about us now and not a me or him thing. The whole us concept is unknown to me. No man has ever done any thing for me. No man has ever wanted to take care of me. It has always been me taking care me. And when I was taking care of me I was also taking care of my family. He tells me that he does what he does for the better of us. What confuses me the most is how he isn't over her and he clings to hard to us. You should have see the pain in his eyes when I told him how bad it hurts that he compares me to her. I told him that I know that he isn't over her. He looked like I had just punched him in the face. I look in the mirror and wonder if I am doing the right thing. If sacrificing my contentment and peice of mind just to be near him is right? Is it right for him to tell me that he loves me when she still holds his heart? I only stay here because I love him. Some times I wonder if he wants me to stay because he can't handle being alone. When he asked me to move in I told him that I don't want to be the rebound. I also told him today I don't want to be the reason for his upset. I have come so far in the last few years to only fall on my face and that has been hard enough for me. I don't mind being the reason he loves, smiles, laughs and tears of joy. For he is the reason I'm not on the streets. He is the reason for my happiness and he is the reason for my depression for the stupid shit men say when they shouldn't ever say to the woman who loves him. He cuts me so deep and I just keep going back for more. I think I like the pain. I think it amuses him to watch me hurt. If he didn't then why would say things that he knows hurts?
We sat on the bed and talked about all this for hours today and I never once got a straight answer out of him. It felt like we were dancing circles around each other, like what ever I said went in one ear and out the other. When I tell him I love him I mean it with every once of fiber of my soul. Does he hear me? Or is it her he hears? His actions speak louder than his words...................
4 years ago