Thursday, July 30, 2009

Blushing Again

Back in may I was out of my mind depressed, but now I find my self slightly surprised at how much has changed in a few short months. Let me explain.

My Superman found himself and I got a job. Things are finally going well again. Superman started therapy and finally started to get his head straight. I got his mom paid off. His mood has improved vastly. Love is easy once again.

I find my self blushing in his eyes all over again.

I now have job too. I only work a few days a week but it is $12 an hour in cash so I have nothing to complain about. I also am looking a job as a Doggie Daycare chick for $15 an hour. I really want that job but if I don't get it I won't cry or be disappointed.

Sex hasn't gotten much better since we are both struggling to bring passion to the bedroom. There is those moments though that just make me forget my day, and it is just him and I. We had our one year anniversary in august. We both forgot about it though. We had plans to do some thing special but they fell through because of bad timing with money.

August was also my one year sobriety anniversary. I know I shocked myself. I'm still going strong though.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

These days

These day I spend too much time thinking about how I hate who I have become because of him. I find my self wishing for a stupid box to crawl in to and get shipped some where else away from this. I spend my days cleaning and looking relentlessly for a job over and over. He moved me way out here to yuppieville. It is only 20 mins away from my old town but friends never come to visit. I am completely isolated once again. No working car, not even a bike to get out on. I just sit here day in and day out trying to get a job via internet.

I have lost my sex drive some where along the way. I simply can't remember how it is to orgasim. I am so sick of it always being about his pleasure. Where is mine? What happened to wanting to make me feel just as good? Have the rules on sex changed since I last looked? If I remember clearly relationships are about wanting to make the other person just as happy as they make you. Not call them horrible names and make them out to be the villan. What happened to my superman?

Maybe I am the piece of shit, though I still do every thing I used to when I first started this whole relationship. He tells me he will change and can change, but does nothing of the sort. He expects me to change every thing I am about myself when he once said he loves those quirks of mine. I am no longer comfortable with him. I no longer feel safe near him. I am more like that lost child once again. afraid. angry. hurt. And just down right depressed once more. We don't have the stupid fights any more but still we fight. And at the end of the fight it is his way or the highway, which means if you don't like it get the fuck out. I am sick of not having any say in this relationship. I have put my heart and soul in to this, unlike his unfeeling corpse. The light that once shined in his eyes is gone and the warmth I used to feel when we kissed has disappated. He tells me that I am so negitive now, what happened to his bubbly optomistic girlfriend? I will tell you what happened. He constantly tells me how annoying I am. He never fails to tell me that I am stupid or retarded. Always putting me down just because I can seem to attain a stupid job. He never misses an opportunity to tell me what to do or how to do it. His friends don't like me and family hates me. I ask how do they hate me when I personally have never given them reason to? I can answer that one too. It is all the shit he talks about me to them.

I can't wait to get a job. He may think I am being dramatic but trust me when I say I am going to do some thing I fucking do it, No questions asked. I am going to save up enough money to to rent my own place and move the fuck out. No longer will he hold any thing over my head. I can't live with a man who is sooo cold and has no interest in having a real life. He has turned me in to this person who never does any thing any more. I have become so mellow and have no real interest in the things I used to. I want me back. I want my life back. I want to have fun again. I want to be happy again. I really want to have a real reason to smile and laugh.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Shut up and fuck me

I'll be there soon " I tell him via text. I have been running around all damn day and he wants me to stop by.... for an hour...... gee i wonder what he could really want.
I pull up in the parking lot and one single thought hits me, this is a damn booty call.
As I push the button for the 3rd floor I begin to spin. Why do I do this shit to my self??? What the fuck?? I knock on his door that I had the keys for just 2 weeks ago but no longer am i a resident in this old dusty lonely apartment. I am now the visitor. He yells that it is open so I let my self in.
The apartment is still quite clean despite the trash piling up around the garbage can. The apartment feels so empty with out all my shit. I really feel out of my element. My head begins to fill with the images and words from that night. The way his hands were wrapped around my neck as fought him with all my strength. My phone broken because he threw it across the room. My fist connecting with his jaw line. I had never in my life been so angry with one person. We both had said words that could never be taken back. Cops were called. Neighbors complained. It was hell on earth. Now I stand in the very room this all took place and my heart fills with pain and sorrow. We will never be the same. A fight like that only signals certain doom, an end to all ends...... or so I thought........

He touches me and my skin crawls yet I yearn for his touch. I want to throw up but all I can do is kiss him, making him believe I want this too. He holds me like he did when we first got together confusing my way of thinking and fucking with my heart. He can't do this to me. He whines about how I am kissing him. He wants me to really kiss him, like I used to. I just want to fade in to the floor. How can he want to fuck me after all that shit????? He was so sick of me he layed his hands on me and kicked me out. What the fuck????? I feel so dirty and cheap. All I wanted was for him to love me.

He keeps wrapping his arms around me squeezing my flesh in his hand. He continues to kiss me like he actually meant it. Part of me wants to give in to his damn games while the other logical half tells me to leave and never look back. My heart won't let me turn around. My will starts fail me. I can't seem fight this. My body wants to give in,... no it needs me to give in. Him and I fit in together like two pieces of a puzzle. Yet we repel each other like oil and water. Why can't I win this fight???

My will dissolves there on the spot. My pants are on the floor and his cock is buried deep with in my wet cunt. My heart pounds so loud in my ears. My hands are twisted in the sheets. Our moans fill the small apartment. But as quick as it started it ends. I immediately gather my clothes and head to the bathroom to clean up. Feeling slightly empowered I pull my jeans up. I know that the only reason we are still together is because I love him and he is too afraid of being alone. Not to mention he won't find a pussy tighter than mine.................
We kiss goodbye and separate. Leaving him still wanting.