These day I spend too much time thinking about how I hate who I have become because of him. I find my self wishing for a stupid box to crawl in to and get shipped some where else away from this. I spend my days cleaning and looking relentlessly for a job over and over. He moved me way out here to yuppieville. It is only 20 mins away from my old town but friends never come to visit. I am completely isolated once again. No working car, not even a bike to get out on. I just sit here day in and day out trying to get a job via internet.
I have lost my sex drive some where along the way. I simply can't remember how it is to orgasim. I am so sick of it always being about his pleasure. Where is mine? What happened to wanting to make me feel just as good? Have the rules on sex changed since I last looked? If I remember clearly relationships are about wanting to make the other person just as happy as they make you. Not call them horrible names and make them out to be the villan. What happened to my superman?
Maybe I am the piece of shit, though I still do every thing I used to when I first started this whole relationship. He tells me he will change and can change, but does nothing of the sort. He expects me to change every thing I am about myself when he once said he loves those quirks of mine. I am no longer comfortable with him. I no longer feel safe near him. I am more like that lost child once again. afraid. angry. hurt. And just down right depressed once more. We don't have the stupid fights any more but still we fight. And at the end of the fight it is his way or the highway, which means if you don't like it get the fuck out. I am sick of not having any say in this relationship. I have put my heart and soul in to this, unlike his unfeeling corpse. The light that once shined in his eyes is gone and the warmth I used to feel when we kissed has disappated. He tells me that I am so negitive now, what happened to his bubbly optomistic girlfriend? I will tell you what happened. He constantly tells me how annoying I am. He never fails to tell me that I am stupid or retarded. Always putting me down just because I can seem to attain a stupid job. He never misses an opportunity to tell me what to do or how to do it. His friends don't like me and family hates me. I ask how do they hate me when I personally have never given them reason to? I can answer that one too. It is all the shit he talks about me to them.
I can't wait to get a job. He may think I am being dramatic but trust me when I say I am going to do some thing I fucking do it, No questions asked. I am going to save up enough money to to rent my own place and move the fuck out. No longer will he hold any thing over my head. I can't live with a man who is sooo cold and has no interest in having a real life. He has turned me in to this person who never does any thing any more. I have become so mellow and have no real interest in the things I used to. I want me back. I want my life back. I want to have fun again. I want to be happy again. I really want to have a real reason to smile and laugh.
4 years ago