Thursday, July 30, 2009

Blushing Again

Back in may I was out of my mind depressed, but now I find my self slightly surprised at how much has changed in a few short months. Let me explain.

My Superman found himself and I got a job. Things are finally going well again. Superman started therapy and finally started to get his head straight. I got his mom paid off. His mood has improved vastly. Love is easy once again.

I find my self blushing in his eyes all over again.

I now have job too. I only work a few days a week but it is $12 an hour in cash so I have nothing to complain about. I also am looking a job as a Doggie Daycare chick for $15 an hour. I really want that job but if I don't get it I won't cry or be disappointed.

Sex hasn't gotten much better since we are both struggling to bring passion to the bedroom. There is those moments though that just make me forget my day, and it is just him and I. We had our one year anniversary in august. We both forgot about it though. We had plans to do some thing special but they fell through because of bad timing with money.

August was also my one year sobriety anniversary. I know I shocked myself. I'm still going strong though.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

These days

These day I spend too much time thinking about how I hate who I have become because of him. I find my self wishing for a stupid box to crawl in to and get shipped some where else away from this. I spend my days cleaning and looking relentlessly for a job over and over. He moved me way out here to yuppieville. It is only 20 mins away from my old town but friends never come to visit. I am completely isolated once again. No working car, not even a bike to get out on. I just sit here day in and day out trying to get a job via internet.

I have lost my sex drive some where along the way. I simply can't remember how it is to orgasim. I am so sick of it always being about his pleasure. Where is mine? What happened to wanting to make me feel just as good? Have the rules on sex changed since I last looked? If I remember clearly relationships are about wanting to make the other person just as happy as they make you. Not call them horrible names and make them out to be the villan. What happened to my superman?

Maybe I am the piece of shit, though I still do every thing I used to when I first started this whole relationship. He tells me he will change and can change, but does nothing of the sort. He expects me to change every thing I am about myself when he once said he loves those quirks of mine. I am no longer comfortable with him. I no longer feel safe near him. I am more like that lost child once again. afraid. angry. hurt. And just down right depressed once more. We don't have the stupid fights any more but still we fight. And at the end of the fight it is his way or the highway, which means if you don't like it get the fuck out. I am sick of not having any say in this relationship. I have put my heart and soul in to this, unlike his unfeeling corpse. The light that once shined in his eyes is gone and the warmth I used to feel when we kissed has disappated. He tells me that I am so negitive now, what happened to his bubbly optomistic girlfriend? I will tell you what happened. He constantly tells me how annoying I am. He never fails to tell me that I am stupid or retarded. Always putting me down just because I can seem to attain a stupid job. He never misses an opportunity to tell me what to do or how to do it. His friends don't like me and family hates me. I ask how do they hate me when I personally have never given them reason to? I can answer that one too. It is all the shit he talks about me to them.

I can't wait to get a job. He may think I am being dramatic but trust me when I say I am going to do some thing I fucking do it, No questions asked. I am going to save up enough money to to rent my own place and move the fuck out. No longer will he hold any thing over my head. I can't live with a man who is sooo cold and has no interest in having a real life. He has turned me in to this person who never does any thing any more. I have become so mellow and have no real interest in the things I used to. I want me back. I want my life back. I want to have fun again. I want to be happy again. I really want to have a real reason to smile and laugh.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Shut up and fuck me

I'll be there soon " I tell him via text. I have been running around all damn day and he wants me to stop by.... for an hour...... gee i wonder what he could really want.
I pull up in the parking lot and one single thought hits me, this is a damn booty call.
As I push the button for the 3rd floor I begin to spin. Why do I do this shit to my self??? What the fuck?? I knock on his door that I had the keys for just 2 weeks ago but no longer am i a resident in this old dusty lonely apartment. I am now the visitor. He yells that it is open so I let my self in.
The apartment is still quite clean despite the trash piling up around the garbage can. The apartment feels so empty with out all my shit. I really feel out of my element. My head begins to fill with the images and words from that night. The way his hands were wrapped around my neck as fought him with all my strength. My phone broken because he threw it across the room. My fist connecting with his jaw line. I had never in my life been so angry with one person. We both had said words that could never be taken back. Cops were called. Neighbors complained. It was hell on earth. Now I stand in the very room this all took place and my heart fills with pain and sorrow. We will never be the same. A fight like that only signals certain doom, an end to all ends...... or so I thought........

He touches me and my skin crawls yet I yearn for his touch. I want to throw up but all I can do is kiss him, making him believe I want this too. He holds me like he did when we first got together confusing my way of thinking and fucking with my heart. He can't do this to me. He whines about how I am kissing him. He wants me to really kiss him, like I used to. I just want to fade in to the floor. How can he want to fuck me after all that shit????? He was so sick of me he layed his hands on me and kicked me out. What the fuck????? I feel so dirty and cheap. All I wanted was for him to love me.

He keeps wrapping his arms around me squeezing my flesh in his hand. He continues to kiss me like he actually meant it. Part of me wants to give in to his damn games while the other logical half tells me to leave and never look back. My heart won't let me turn around. My will starts fail me. I can't seem fight this. My body wants to give in,... no it needs me to give in. Him and I fit in together like two pieces of a puzzle. Yet we repel each other like oil and water. Why can't I win this fight???

My will dissolves there on the spot. My pants are on the floor and his cock is buried deep with in my wet cunt. My heart pounds so loud in my ears. My hands are twisted in the sheets. Our moans fill the small apartment. But as quick as it started it ends. I immediately gather my clothes and head to the bathroom to clean up. Feeling slightly empowered I pull my jeans up. I know that the only reason we are still together is because I love him and he is too afraid of being alone. Not to mention he won't find a pussy tighter than mine.................
We kiss goodbye and separate. Leaving him still wanting.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Sorry I haven't been on in a while but my computer is broken. But I am here now so why not let you in to my world for a few minutes. About three weeks ago We had two roommates move in with us. A guy and my chick friend. The guy is her boyfriend. They make me sick to my stomach. They are what I want my man and I to be again. All over each other and constantly kissing like my man and I used to be. I do have to say though since they moved in we don't fight like we used to. There is the positive. That is the silver lining. As everyone knows Christmas is upon us and every thing is getting uber hectic. Chaos is taking over in tinsel form. Being a Wiccan I do not celebrate Christmas but I do celebrate Yule or as you may know it the winter solstice. Yule is a more spirital holiday. It isn't about presents or food, It is about family and love in all forms. I just want to spend the holidays with the ones I love, but that is so hard to do with all the stress that comes with the holidays. I just want to kick back and watch christmas specials while getting stoned with my man. Some really hot steamy sex wouldn't be so bad either. Well happy holidays to all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

On being lonely

When you are lonely do you need a friend or a lover? I find myself asking this very question today. I am in a rocky relationship and I have no idea what to do or say any more. I am so lonely and torn apart by my heart. Love is so fickle and can go out in a puff of smoke, the flame gone. For years I have searched for the right person only to be disappointed. Some times I find myself in my head thinking thoughts of romance and passion only to shake my silly dreams from my head. Romance and passion can't exist in this time of worldly stressers and daily routines. There is no place for it simply put. No man is going to come down and save the damsel in distress, no matter how bad you want it. Men just aren't raised to love any more. Mothers try to teach their sweet lads a thing or two about love but it gets squashed by their fathers who teach them of destruction and decite. Now women are fighting back to take love to what it once was only to watch men put them down and insult them to tears. Men lack the compassion that women carry as a torch. It is sad but very true. Men love to watch us cry so they can be the reason the river of tears stops. I ask why do you really want to make us cry when we are so willing to give you our all? All you have to do is love with all that you are. Let go of the detruction your fathers have taught you and let love in. Quit playing childish games and love the way nature intended you to.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The dance continues.......

You say noting because you can't get a word in
I say nothing when you speak because there is no use in trying to defend my worth
We fight over nothing
Then we fuck
Over and over this happens
After a fight we dance on egg shells
Wondering when the other will step on one
With a deafening crack!
In Circles we step
Round and Round the other
Carefully watching the other

I found this on one of my good friend's myspace! Enjoy!!

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2008, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.


1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don’t have shit to talk about
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don’t ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it’s only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it’s really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don’t be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don’t want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it’s over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.

14. Don’t be offended if I don’t ask if you enjoyed it - I don’t care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate’s girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

21. No phone use, please - don’t want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating PartySignature_______________________________________Date: ________________

Participating PartySignature_______________________________________Date: ________________