Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lets get serious

I would like to take a minute and ask for some advice. Here is the low down. I met my boyfriend 7 years ago when I was 16. We met at the summer carnival near the fourth of July. He was 18 at the time. It was love, yes young love but love none the less. We were so great together until I left for a week to visit my family in cali for my 17th birthday. He had to prove some stupid point to my older brother and stole this really nasty 14yr old chick from him. When I say nasty I mean a cum guzzling, gutter whore who has fucked more guys than there are on all the football teams in Minnesota. Plus one other that I never knew about until a month ago. That is when it went down hill. We started to argue. He would always accuse me of cheating on him even tho I was in school all damn day until he picked me up. I was always with him except when he would disappear for any where from a few days to a week. That is when I found out about Jenny the younger little slut in Iowa that he was leaving the state to fuck. Trust me we broke up a ton of times in the year we were on and off for. The fighting actually started right before my birthday in august. He would always come back to me tho. When we broke up I would erase his number from the caller id and just move on with my life as a 17 yr old girl would. Yeah I cried and yeah my heart was seriously broken. I felt empty and horrible. I'm a hot chick ( not tooting my own horn here) and a ton of guys wanted me. I would date but nothing filled that emptiness I felt. Then he would show up at my door at 5 o'clock in the morning saying he was sorry, he was an ass and that he loved me. He needed me. I was his super hot fuck. The only girl that would suck his cock like it was meant to be. And he would make sweet love to me right there on the stairs leading up to my apartment. The emptiness was gone. We would always talk shit out and get back together. We never yelled at each other but some times he did yell at me, I would just let it go. Our arguments were never heated enough to scream, it was a lot of me crying and asking him why all the time. I never cheated on him and never will. I was young and in love. Still in love. Finally I told him enough and broke up with him when all his lies came crashing down around him and he was completely busted. No way to cover his ass. So he took off to Iowa with that jenny chick. She tired of him quickly and fucked some other dude. Pissed him off so bad that he came back. But it was too late. We broke up in march and he came back in the middle of June. I was with some one else. And I was pregnant (not his trust me). He showed up at my door some time late in the evening, talking about how he loved me and wanted me back. All I could do was tell him to leave. I didn't want baby daddy to see him ( baby daddy was in my room playing video games) because I knew that baby daddy would want to fight him. I still loved him. I wasn't sure if he could see it in my eyes but I desperately wanted him to leave before baby daddy came out. I started telling him that I never wanted to see him again and to leave me alone for good. It hurt so bad to say that to him. I still loved him. I knew baby daddy was going to hear us and come out prepared and sure enough he came out with two knives in hands. They started fighting over me. Yelling and puffing their chests out. I told baby daddy to stop or it was over. I didn't want blood shed.
Baby daddy reluctantly pulled back telling him that if he ever shows up again he wouldn't hesitate to kill him. Typical right? And he drove away. I wasn't happy just to let you know. I wanted to be with the man I loved more than anything but my morals wouldn't allow me to. I would hear every once in a while about him. But is was normally about how baby daddy had run in to him at the gas station or the store. Same fight as always. Over me. It never changed. He would drive by my house a million times a day. I knew he loved me or was at least obsessed over me. I moved. Baby daddy beat, raped and took everything from me. I finally left him. My son was 3 months old then. I was shattered and moved and moved and moved until I ended up back at my moms. That is when he returned. By then it had been over a year and a half since I had seen him. my son was about six months old. I was 19 at this time. I don't remember how we started talking again but it was almost like I was 16 again. When he got out of his car and walked up to me, my knees went weak, my heart skipped like crazy and I knew I still loved him. We talked and talked at the playground down the street from my moms. It was like we had never parted. Then He hugged me. He held me so tight like he was afraid I was going to disappear out of his arms. I was in heaven. But my heaven didn't last long because he had just broken up with his future wife. Just to let you know I hate her, I wish her dead, I want to be the one to kill her. We were together for a week. I went to my brothers dads house and he called me. He was drunk and looking for some adderall and he knew I had it. He started talking about how confused he was and that if she was to walk through his door right then and there that he would take her back. I was appalled. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told him he needs to figure out what he wants and when he knows that then he can speak to me. I hung up on him there. I went home the next day and guess who shows up at my house. Yep you got it, he did. He wanted adderall and he was willing to trade mary jane for some. I asked him If he even remembered that I had broken up with him. He stared blankly at me and said no. I was in shock. He was too wasted to remember that he even called me. For fucking fuck sakes. Now I was pissed, not only did he fuck me around but I was insignificant to him. Just beautiful I thought. I traded and told him it was over until he knew what he wanted in life. I never heard from him. I only saw him. He was walking over the bridge holding her hand. I cried the rest of the way home. I knew I lost and it was truly over for us. 3 years went by. Now my son is three and I was turning 22. Out of the blue I got a message via myspace from him. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. No way was all that was going through my mind. Three whole years and now he says something. But it was the long needed apology. This is what it said:

Jul 21, 2008 7:50 AM

This may or may not be the girl i once knew year ago but if it i know i have fucked up a lot of things and the past and was lost for many year trying to figer out what i wanted it life. i went down the wrong roads and im sorry for all the things i have done. if u find it in your heart i would like to talk to you again someday u can contact me on this myspace or call i loved to hear from u'

I damn near shit my pants after I read it. I cried and my mom cried. She always knew him and I were meant to be. Mother's intuition. I smoked a cig and picked up my cell. I had to call him. Some thing was pulling me to do it. It took me like 13 times to just let it ring. I finally let it ring and he answered. My heart my pounding in my ears. I told him who I was and well we talked. I told him about the new guy in my life, my son the shit that happened while he had gotten married. I knew in my heart that I just wanted to see him one more time. We sounded like two really old good friends. So I asked him to come have a couple drinks with me and my new man and by new I mean I had only been with the guy for a week no joke. What great timing. So he agreed. We met up at the bar a day or two later. I had gotten piss ass drunk just hanging out with new guy, his friend and him. I got all sentimental and told new guy that he should be thanking him for all the great shit he taught me. That did not go over well. by now I was falling out of my seat and shit was spinning. New guy and I got in to it. But it was over as soon as it began because new guy appealed to me with the rest of our bottle. New guy said lets go back to my place and drink the rest and then we can fuck all night. I was gone by now so I was game for any thing. New guy told him that we were leaving and that he should come with us. He refused. I was so drunk that I forgot how drunk new guy was. He almost hit this bitch at the gas station and got his ass kicked. New guy had to go to the hospital. Thank the stars he called me. I was in hysterics crying. He asked where I was and I obediently told him. He came and got me. Took me back to his place and well took care of my wounds. I was covered in blood and cold and drunk and knew new guy needed me. I didn't care that he was right in front of me close enough to kiss him. All I wanted was to get to that hospital. So he took me there. He left me there. But he came back to bring me smokes and a hoodie and then he stayed with me. He held me while I sobered up and cried. It was at that precise moment that I realized how good that felt. His arms around me holding me close. I could smell his cologne and it turned me on. I knew I was wrong in my thinking because my boyfriend was inside but I didn't care. He even helped me get new guy home. We stayed out in his car until the sun came up and new guys sister came out and bothered me. This is when it got complicated. Just to let you know he had just kicked bitch out and asked her for a divorce about a month before that. I started just texting him and then I was looking for reasons to leave my boyfriends house just to talk to him. Then It was taking my boyfriends car out to go "job hunting" when I would actually go over to his house. I was so nervous the first time I was there sober. We talked for and hour and then I had to go. He held on to me so tight like he had done 3 yrs ago. I wanted to cry. I left and texted him all night when my boyfriend was at work. After a week of this he made me an offer I couldn't refuse; he had seen my place and couldn't stand how I was living, He wanted me to move in with him. I cried. I told him I needed to think about it. I went home and called my two best friends and my mother for their advice. They all said the same thing " do what makes you happy!." That was all I needed. I called him and gave him my answer. Now the all I had to do was dump new guy. With in the week I moved in with him. I was on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down. We would talk for hours before falling asleep and he would make the sweetest love to me. I couldn't be happier. But now things are getting hard. It has only been a month and a half since I moved in. We are both really stressed out from the divorce and my everyday life. I gave up every thing to move in with him. I left an entire house full of my shit for him. I quit doing hard drugs for my self and him. I love him so much that I will do any thing for him. I will never leave his side like the real woman I am. The deal was that if I was to move in I had to quit the hard drugs and get a job so I could pay off my debt. Well life is hitting us like a ton of bricks. If it wasn't one thing it was another. The stress of every thing is starting cause us to argue. I don't want to lose him again and don't want to fight with him at all. Ever. I have no job and I am going crazy just sittin in our apartment. My car is broken and well, I can only use his car to go job hunting or drop off apps. I don't have many close friends and I dropped all my drug friends. We don't fight but last night we had our first argument. It was over his mother and his wife. We really had no real reason to argue. It was over nothing and 10 mins after he stormed out of the house to go to work; he called me and I apologized and he did too. He got home this morning and it was if it had never happened. I know that we are both seriously over stressed and have only the one way to deal with it: wild sex. But I need some thing more to deal with all this stress. So does he. What can I do to dig my heels in before I lose my grip? How do I keep from letting the little shit bother us? How can I help him relieve this stress with out the use of sex? How do I get through this in one piece? If that is at all possible............ Love makes us do stupid crazy shit and I will gladly go to the end of the universe to make this man happy............... forgive me goddess for I am lost and can't find my way home.


ez cheese said...

I knew there was something below the surface of this blog. I felt it, we are similar in that regard. Look, you commented on something very personal to me yesterday and it meant a lot. I have a lot to say about this post but I don't think a comment box is going to cover it and I'm not sure. I'm also not sure that I want to put it out there for the world.

I can tell we have both seen pain. The kind that makes you want it to be over. The stress, worries and insecurity boil over and you don't know where to turn. Drugs were escape but now they are gone. Bad friends made you feel better but now they are gone. It's for the better.

broken, scared, crying, hurting, in pain, confused, tormented, stressed...I have been there

I am still there.

However, there is one feeling that you must not allow yourself to feel...Alone.

Don't you dare ever fucking think you're alone. You write, I listen. I write, you listen. You are not alone. My email is in my profile. I have a lot more to say if you want to hear it. But don't you ever tell me you're alone. You'd be surprised the friends you can make in this crazy ass blog world.

I know I have.

Irishwitchgoddess said...

thank you so much seriously that means so much.